What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 03:21
I write beautiful poetry .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was very sick at this time too.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Is having white skin really that attractive?
One cannot live in the past .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was seconnd youngest,
I couldn’t, believe it.
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
So, i spoilt her more .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why is my older sister so mean to me as if I was her enemy?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
(And it was in our own minds.)
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So whats the point in blame.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She loved him until the end.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
What did i know ?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Comes on , in middle age.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im still living with it.
My family never makes their pension either.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She wouldn,t have been !
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She was in good health!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But ive been too sick for many years..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is soul school!.
He knew the spot.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But, we were locked up after school.
I waited trembling.
I have no regrets .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But it wasn’t much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Especially a lifetime of it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I never cut or harmed myself..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And i lived it daily.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I don,t even have a pension.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We all went to grammer schools
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
All the time i was locked up.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We were not on the streets..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was scared of men, in general
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It was going to be , some day.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Put me off passion for life!!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
When she asked me how she looked .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was 9 years of age.
I said to her
She found it foreign!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My life is so biszare .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I will be 64.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Would this be the day?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I think the readers, may guess!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She married twice! .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!